i'm much more accustomed to this city than i ever imagined i would be
the day to day seems almost normal
has me feeling like i need to do something more
instead i resort to making the work of these hands pleasing
no matter the task

He gives and breathes
and i find myself humbled and incredibly thankful

David's words sum it all up so if you're interested in knowing what i'm feeling just read some psalms and you'll get a good idea.

this is good, my friends, so very good

making good on my promise

these men, this scaffolding


all rest on this


i just want to climb up and take a good look at the city

instead, this is where i go


meet the lovely lassi ladies, Patricia and Laura


the last week was spent in the company of some truly wonderful women. a few from the US, the others from every where else in the world. ha. really though, i am abundantly blessed by the wisdom and strength these women possess. this is what i get for asking for kindred spirits.

He loves me

somehow i just knew this would happen
i didn't even have to ask
my Father is true and faithful
and He is abundantly good

He's wonderful, friends
absolutely wonderful

Dum Dum

Orientation took place around 3 pm yesterday
i filled out my card and waited
chatted with some guys until my name was called
i sat down in front of the Sister and collected my thoughts
she asked where i worked before and what sort of work i did back home
then she asked if there was a particular place i'd like to work this time around
i, of course, answered Daya Dan and then said i was open to going elsewhere if need be
so she asked me about Dum Dum
it's a home that was only recently opened to female volunteers
she said most people have a really difficult first day/week
and that she'd honor a decision to go elsewhere
but that she really believed it would be a good fit
so i said i'd do it.

from the moment we arrived there this morning i was overwhelmed by how fitting it all was
overwhelmed by how well He knows me
and how He takes my passions and my dreams and meets them with His perfect will

He knows me
He know my name
and He keeps calling

making an attempt at writing down my plans for the next trip to Kolkata
seeing, however, as i have little to no plans of which to speak, i wonder if my audience would settle for "i'm going back to do the same thing all over again. pray for trust"
it's quite the emotional whirlwind of excitement, dread, hope, sadness, joy and then there's that ridiculous little fear. every other thought of India makes me sick to my stomach. every other day i whine and beg him to set a different task before me. it's all fear.
and i fear because i've forgotten in these 11 months the beauty of trust.

i guess there's only one way to relearn

tarp dwellers

you fill our hearts with more than we can hold inside

i spent a week trying to shake the memory from my mind, and for a few days i succeeded in doing just that, but now it seems i'm stuck with it.
she was tiny and round. maybe four and half feet tall. the fat baby she was holding just made her seem smaller. she was smiling though, her cheeks raised as high as they would go. there was a sense of pride in her eyes. but something was missing. something didn't quite fit.
it wasn't the fact that we were on the street, a tarp set up as a sidewalk home in front of us, or that there was a new baby who was forced to call this home. something else.

she showed him off to us, her words were animated without being too loud and i couldn't understand. we all congratulated her, fawned over the new baby boy and told her he was perfect, then proceeded past the gate and onto the path that led us to Monica House. as we walked he started telling me about her, "you know she's got a couple more kids. she just keeps them while they're babies and then hands them off to Shishu. She's just using them." his face was shadowed with disdain, a look i'd never seen from him. i wanted to yell out "i told you so!" to the part of me that had denied the uneasy feelings. but my heart was breaking.

humanity was failing me, again, miserably.

there's a part of me that still cannot make sense of it. we use each other as a means to an end. all of us. we've failed to see our fellow human beings as being just that, fully human. we place a price tag on humanity and value all the wrong things. if Jesus said the kingdom belongs to those we value least then we are fools to believe we can take it with our secrets and keys and steps.

Hebrews says that " we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken"

i cried the day i let the old man pull me in his cart. his thin legs looked so fragile, like they could break at the next push of the bike pedals. the others laughed, my heart broke for them too. it's all they've known. and i cannot say my tears were shed out of love more than pity (i can't know for sure), so i resign.

but it seems Jesus was about handing over the kingdom to the most used rather than selling it to the ones who denied any wrong in their misuse of their fellow man.
so that's what i want to be a part of, investing in the seemingly bankrupt.
and letting the seemingly bankrupt in me be made rich with his love.

fourteenth of December oh-nine

the following is a excerpt from my journal entry dated December 14th...

its 9:56 p.m. and i've just finished sharing a laugh with Gabriel. he always cheers me up, even when he burps, which he just did. ha! and we're talking about Demi and gloves and i want to remember this, the feeling of safety and comfort. we just keep talking even though we both intended to journal. this is the stuff good friends are made of. Sophie's gone. we just realized it. sad, but the pain is eased with talk of how [the boy] is going to show up with his little brother and his guitar, wearing a cape (cause he's a twilight fan, his only flaw in my opinion) and i'm grinning. a big giant grin. because even if i don't ever see [the boy] again, Gabriel humored me and let me talk about him without making me feel like a stupid girl. he's a good friend and i feel so happy that i'm not in Mumbai or Bangalore or elsewhere. happy that i'm here right now. with these people. happy to know my God planned this for me, my Lover prepared this all for me. He thinks of me, that much, that often. i want to think of him more, much more. and i want to love him more and do the small things that make him happy. i still wonder if its possible to surprise him. 

somewhere between friday and this morning i managed to come across some little germs who thought i was pretty rad. being sick and away from home is a terrible thing so i fore-went(?) volunteering in hopes of feeling better. i don't. i woke up wishing i were home in my own bed with roommates who might take care of me. oh well.

i don't think i was made to call Kolkata home. i may be wrong (& i wouldn't mind that) but i really don't think so and i feel ok saying that. i've been carrying a sense of dread, thinking that at any moment God would say "this is it." I've been faced with my selfishness, with my love of comfort, and i don't like. i'd like not to be so intent on my own needs that i set aside the needs of others to meet my own. it should be the simplest thing since i know that He supplies all my needs. should be the easiest thing but i'm finding it to be the most difficult. i think its good to be faced with these things. better if i can tackle them down and be rid of them. even better if i can find myself doing it for the right reason.

being here becomes increasingly difficult. aren't things supposed to get easier with time? that rule seems not to apply here. i think that is the truest thing about Kolkata though, general rules do not apply. Lynette said something yesterday about how standards and expectations get lower and lower here. first you hope they have toilet paper. then you forget the tp and just hope they have a western toilet. when you realize that's not going to happen you just hope the washroom's been cleaned sometime in the last week.

i had a woman come up to me while i was waiting for friends at Park Station. she had a baby in one arm and kept mumbling something about "food" and "baby". i was standing on a platform and she was looking up at me just mumbling random words, trying to get me to give her something. i kept saying no and looking away, people kept walking by and staring. it was a strange experience. i know we're not supposed to give into the beggars. but for a moment i wanted to. i just kept thinking that that is how i often come to God. and his response is never to turn me away empty handed. but i realize that i have nothing here and to give in would be to undo the work of those who have built good things for these people. if they are not turning to the help that has been established for them then its just about making a living with as little effort as possible. i shouldn't support that. its a hard thing to be faced with though.

thank you friends for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. especially now, i am incredibly grateful for your love and friendship. please pray for health and continued trust that God knows and will supply my needs.
love and miss you all

ciao

waiting again

trust is a difficult thing. more difficult than i'd like.
i'd like to trust completely in his goodness, to know that he will not leave me
but too often i doubt. too often i find myself sick to my stomach with worry.
and then there are the days i dread getting out of bed because i don't want to have to walk down these streets again. days when i cannot find peace, when i look for goodness but do not see it.
i know that he is faithful and good, its just a bit difficult to see it right now.
there is a chorus we sing together every morning before going out to our assignments

we have our hope in Jesus
that all things will be well
in the Lord

its a good reminder.