Tuesday, October 27, 2009

the heaviness of the fall back down to earth

there is a moment, i'm sure you've experienced it, between dreaming and waking, when the mind is made aware of the body's heaviness. it is usually felt when one's dream becomes dangerous, nightmarish, and the urgency to move fast is met with an inabilty to do so. thats when you wake kicking and realize you need not run after all.

i feel somewhere between the dream and waking.
i don't like it & i'd like to wake up now

Monday, October 19, 2009

i'm still here
still waiting
still making a pitiful attempt at trust

he keeps showing me that he's faithful. i keep freaking out and wondering if he will come through completely. you'd think i'd know by now. you'd think i'd have this one figured out. no.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

frenzied fall

it was a small leaf
pushed by a strong gust of wind
in a frenzied fall to the soft ground below
that reminded me.

I remember that soft red dirt beneath my feet. i remember the wind, blowing my hair in a hurried rush about my face. i remember that leaf, torn with wormholes. he asked me to strip it. to take away any evidence of its leaf-ness. i remember carrying around that dry little stick and wanting never to forget what he'd said to me. about me. for me. i'm in the chaos now, the hurried frenzy of falling off the tree and unsure of where i'll land, unsure of when i'll land. but all i needed was that leaf falling at just past eleven, two hours later than it should have been, reminding me that he is still watching me. that he has called me, that he is faithful.

Monday, October 12, 2009

sixteen percent

that's a three percent increase
this could take another six months
i'm not sure i can be okay with that

on another note, my naga visa should be in process soon
that in and of itself makes me incredible happy

anyone up for a trip to Black Hawk?

seven days *gasp*
maybe *sigh*

Friday, October 9, 2009

happy dancing!

i got my visa!
10 days.
sanity left me
and still i'm waiting
or at least trying

Monday, October 5, 2009

thirteen percent

thats where i am, thirteen percent on my way.
its a good feeling when you compare that to the zero percent i was at just a few short days ago. good feeling. but i'm ready to feel great. ready for the chaotic excitement that should be my life at this moment. i'm ready for that feeling of upcoming adventure, the feeling that keeps you up all night with fantastical images of how time will be spent on said adventure.

i'm waiting

somewhere between 11 and 16 days

Friday, October 2, 2009


everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself - Leo Tolstoy

the leaves are turning, changing
reminding me that fall is here
i don't feel ready
or sane for that matter

i'd like to be the no one
i'd like my heart to change
my mind too
mostly i want to trust
becasue he's proven over and again that he is faithful

10/02/2009 9:36am PST Outsourcing office has verified the visa is processed correctly. Ready for pickup between 4:30pm and 6:00pm. If mail back, waiting for FedEx pick up and is likely to be mailed out tomorrow.

my heart is happy