somewhere between friday and this morning i managed to come across some little germs who thought i was pretty rad. being sick and away from home is a terrible thing so i fore-went(?) volunteering in hopes of feeling better. i don't. i woke up wishing i were home in my own bed with roommates who might take care of me. oh well.

i don't think i was made to call Kolkata home. i may be wrong (& i wouldn't mind that) but i really don't think so and i feel ok saying that. i've been carrying a sense of dread, thinking that at any moment God would say "this is it." I've been faced with my selfishness, with my love of comfort, and i don't like. i'd like not to be so intent on my own needs that i set aside the needs of others to meet my own. it should be the simplest thing since i know that He supplies all my needs. should be the easiest thing but i'm finding it to be the most difficult. i think its good to be faced with these things. better if i can tackle them down and be rid of them. even better if i can find myself doing it for the right reason.

being here becomes increasingly difficult. aren't things supposed to get easier with time? that rule seems not to apply here. i think that is the truest thing about Kolkata though, general rules do not apply. Lynette said something yesterday about how standards and expectations get lower and lower here. first you hope they have toilet paper. then you forget the tp and just hope they have a western toilet. when you realize that's not going to happen you just hope the washroom's been cleaned sometime in the last week.

i had a woman come up to me while i was waiting for friends at Park Station. she had a baby in one arm and kept mumbling something about "food" and "baby". i was standing on a platform and she was looking up at me just mumbling random words, trying to get me to give her something. i kept saying no and looking away, people kept walking by and staring. it was a strange experience. i know we're not supposed to give into the beggars. but for a moment i wanted to. i just kept thinking that that is how i often come to God. and his response is never to turn me away empty handed. but i realize that i have nothing here and to give in would be to undo the work of those who have built good things for these people. if they are not turning to the help that has been established for them then its just about making a living with as little effort as possible. i shouldn't support that. its a hard thing to be faced with though.

thank you friends for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. especially now, i am incredibly grateful for your love and friendship. please pray for health and continued trust that God knows and will supply my needs.
love and miss you all

ciao