December is...

wedding season. so on any given day you'll stumble upon random occurrences such as this,



men playing music on the streets. it was just practice but i enjoyed it as much as if it had been the real thing. honestly, i think it was just for me.



Christmas-time. so of course you go caroling. and we did!



donning a santa hat doesn't hurt either





(and of course) the time fat guys in red pop up everywhere. yes, even India.



lets have a close look, shall we...



who knew Santa was such a creeper? ooh ooh i did!


that's all friends,
ciao!

and now, as promised

some photos!




This is Sophie, she's from DC and moving to C.Springs next fall. we are in this shot enjoying a brownie at the Oxford Bookstore, one of my quiet places here. i know it doesn't look like i'm enjoying it but believe me, thats the best brownie in Kolkata. though that really isn't saying much. they just don't know how to do chocolate here.




These my kids! oh how i'm going to miss them. this was one of the first performances of their Christmas program. i'm constantly amazed at how much they've learned and how well they do each time. i heart them. and if i could have a favorite it would be Binoy, the little drummer. the kid's got rhythm!


i apologize if you feel cheated for only getting two photos. i blame this internet cafe, which shall remain unnamed, for their ridiculous hiccups in connection speed. that is all.

ciao my loves!

ahem. this is not what i expected when i said i wanted to stater pain and brokeness in the face. but its what i got. this being a slight miscomunication between a certain fellow and i. hmmm. its quite annoying to have an enemy who knows your weak spots. who has seen the look of fear on your face and knows just how to evoke it again and again. i hate feeling used. i hate the dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach when i feel trapped. i hate not knowing how to say no. and i'm tired. i'm tired of being the nice girl who complies. tired of having to explain my brokeness. tired of having to face the effects of others brokeness.

i'm just tired
& as much as i'd like to run away
i know i'll be ok
because He is for me and He loves me

For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. - Philippians 1:19-20

hello imaginary readers and friends...

there are goats everywhere today.
i'm not sure why but i've learned not to question the daily sights and sounds of this country.
I'm back in Kolkata after some time in Nagaland and then a village just outside of the city. questions, fears, hesitations, feelings are different this time around. i don't want anymore comfort. i want to stare this pain/poverty/ungodliness in the face and know what i'm getting myself into. its a fearful thing to ask for, i think, but my strength comes from the One who is more powerful that any of these and that's all the assurance i need.

stories and photos to come.
love you all, ciao

somewhere between friday and this morning i managed to come across some little germs who thought i was pretty rad. being sick and away from home is a terrible thing so i fore-went(?) volunteering in hopes of feeling better. i don't. i woke up wishing i were home in my own bed with roommates who might take care of me. oh well.

i don't think i was made to call Kolkata home. i may be wrong (& i wouldn't mind that) but i really don't think so and i feel ok saying that. i've been carrying a sense of dread, thinking that at any moment God would say "this is it." I've been faced with my selfishness, with my love of comfort, and i don't like. i'd like not to be so intent on my own needs that i set aside the needs of others to meet my own. it should be the simplest thing since i know that He supplies all my needs. should be the easiest thing but i'm finding it to be the most difficult. i think its good to be faced with these things. better if i can tackle them down and be rid of them. even better if i can find myself doing it for the right reason.

being here becomes increasingly difficult. aren't things supposed to get easier with time? that rule seems not to apply here. i think that is the truest thing about Kolkata though, general rules do not apply. Lynette said something yesterday about how standards and expectations get lower and lower here. first you hope they have toilet paper. then you forget the tp and just hope they have a western toilet. when you realize that's not going to happen you just hope the washroom's been cleaned sometime in the last week.

i had a woman come up to me while i was waiting for friends at Park Station. she had a baby in one arm and kept mumbling something about "food" and "baby". i was standing on a platform and she was looking up at me just mumbling random words, trying to get me to give her something. i kept saying no and looking away, people kept walking by and staring. it was a strange experience. i know we're not supposed to give into the beggars. but for a moment i wanted to. i just kept thinking that that is how i often come to God. and his response is never to turn me away empty handed. but i realize that i have nothing here and to give in would be to undo the work of those who have built good things for these people. if they are not turning to the help that has been established for them then its just about making a living with as little effort as possible. i shouldn't support that. its a hard thing to be faced with though.

thank you friends for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. especially now, i am incredibly grateful for your love and friendship. please pray for health and continued trust that God knows and will supply my needs.
love and miss you all

ciao

never a dull moment

Happy Thanksgiving my lovely americans!
the americans here and i celebrated the holiday by going shopping and eating too much. there was talk about missing sweet potatoes, turkey and corn but we di enough damage that we didn't need all that. anyhow, i am thankful for all of you and also for indian randomness and the people i've met here. first a picture and then i'll share about one of those peoples...




apparently there is an indian out there who thinks Jesus is a hunk. I'm not about to argue but i would never have said it out loud.


let me tell you about Ben...
Ben is twenty two years old, from So.Africa. He has a beard and gentle voice. I'd worked with him at Daya Dan and found he'd studied economics and had two sisters, one my age and the other twelve. on his last day in Kolkata (he left tuesday), i ran into him and Gabriel at the spanish restaurant waiting for their lunch and nutella's. they invited me to join them so i did. from our conversation i found that Ben like to read, lewis chesterton and macdonald to name a few. he's been studying catholosism and is considering a conversion to it. terrace parties will always bring his face to my mind. he never played a full song for us, on the guitar, but i'll think of him as a musician even if its just by association. Ben has one of those faces, the kind that you see and you think to yourself, "this kid loves Jesus" i miss him, i don't like that i only had two walks with him, one lunch and one terrace party with him. i love that he met me in front of the hotel and talked with me about God and his thoughts, that he invited me along for adoration, that he showed me where the prayer books were kept and that i could see love radiatiating from him. i love that it felt like i'd known him for so much longer than just four short days, that i found it so easy to trust him, that he happened to have a set of speakers in his backpack, that he insited we share the nutty bar because it was the "last supper" i'd like him to move to Denver and be my friend for years. i want to see him get married and have babies and have his cute little family over for dinner on a weeknight just because. i'd share him with you all too cause he's that cool.

i love and miss you all. have a wonderful holiday and give someone a hug from me.

ciao

waiting again

trust is a difficult thing. more difficult than i'd like.
i'd like to trust completely in his goodness, to know that he will not leave me
but too often i doubt. too often i find myself sick to my stomach with worry.
and then there are the days i dread getting out of bed because i don't want to have to walk down these streets again. days when i cannot find peace, when i look for goodness but do not see it.
i know that he is faithful and good, its just a bit difficult to see it right now.
there is a chorus we sing together every morning before going out to our assignments

we have our hope in Jesus
that all things will be well
in the Lord

its a good reminder.

the Davids and their lovely ladies

today i'd like to tell you about the wonderful australians i've met. they are four siblings and a sibling-in-law, three of them born in Kolkata, all raised in Australia. so i guess they aren't really australians. hmmm. anyhow, Jean, David, Karen, Holly and Holly's David are all here for a cousins wedding. big stuff if you know anything about Indians and their marriage celebrations. their family here has created a very tight itinerary for them (and when i say "tight" i mean packed, not cool. haha) but they insisted their mornings be free for volunteering. they work at Daya Dan like me and being that they have family here they have a driver. so they ask me if i'd like to ride with them. not always but when they do i know it is God's provision. It saves me about 8 or 9 rupees. i'm incredibly grateful for them and how God has placed them in my path. not just because of the rides but they love Jesus and it shows. Jean is an RN but is now working on the management side of Healthcare. David is a firefighter. Holly is Crime Scen investigator in London and her David is in some sort of Ecenomics related field. i think he used to be in the oil trade. not that any of that is important.
its strange to fall in love with people after knowing them only a short while, but i i do love them. they've shown me a side of God that is beautiful and good and i love seeing it as we do laundry or feed the children and even in the car rides.
Our Father is so faithful, even in this His goodness is evident and good thing cause i need it more than ever right now.

love you friends!
ciao

ain't a little bit funny how...

sitting here surfing the internets can make me feel like i'm not here at all. that is until
i hear people start shouting things that i don't understand at all.

30 dollars lasted me less than 8 hours in London and 40 has lasted me the last three days and will probably get me through tuesday

one moment i feel like i might vomit, the next like i might cry and the next completely happy and at peace

i finally figured out how to get to Mother House on my own today. yesterday i figured out the way home from Daya Dan. things are looking more and more familiar. i don't feel as overwhelmed anymore. my senses are still overloaded but less so. i moved into a single room today since Clara, my spanish friend from the airport, left last night for Sikkim (sp?) Spent the morning at Daya Dan doing laundry, playing with and feeding the children. its becoming more comfortable. we weren't ever given specific procedures for dealing with them so sometimes you just go by trial and error and thats a bit intimidating for me.
have i mentioned we drink chai all the time? cause we do and its so good!
met a couple that just came in from New York. i think i may have scared them with how much i talked. its just the times i actually get to speak with americans are so few and far between so when i get the chance i start to talk inccesantly. ha! well, my friends you must imagine that all i do is blog these days. its really isn't. it just gives me the chance to sit quietly and not have to think about anything. anyhow i'm off to decline marriage proposals, maybe eat a little curry and drink some more chai, maybe make a new friend or run into a 2-3-4 day old one.
love and miss you all!

ciao

happiness is...

drinking chai in tiny terra cotta cups
taking long walks with new friends and feeling just a tinge of akwardness
listening to a little boy strum random notes on a guitar and realizing its one of the most beautiful sounds you'll ever hear
washing laundry by hand for hours with wonderful people
curry stained fingernails
getting lost and not having to care
finding Skyla(r?) and Gabriel and Jean and David and Clara and Ares and Ben and all the people whos names i cannot recall but whose faces i can't forget
knowing the women in my family would be proud of me if they knew what i'd been doing
hearing as much spanish spoken as hindi
seeing the smiles and hearing the laughter of broken children
singing and playing mariachi songs in the street

Happiness is knowing that these, even in all their brokenness, will be made new

i'm not sure what to say
i had this great post composed in my mind
but the last few hours threw me for a loop
i love it here
but i wish i had the comfort of being with people i know
people who get my jokes
people who don't have to convince me they are trustworthy

no mistake, i wouldn't trade this
its one of the most difficult things i've done though

i met a girl on the shuttle in Kolkata, found out she speaks spanish and had a plan so i joined her. glad i did. i would be completely lost otherwise. we found others from spain near our hotel. Kolkuta seems to be full of Spaniards. they are wonderful (insert happy face). We spent the early morning at Mother House, the homebase here for Missionaries of Charity, and got a day pass to Daya Dan. i'll be spending my time up to the first of December volunteering there. i also met a kid from Parker. i was very glad to know i have a fellow Coloradan here if i need one.

i know i keep saying it, but i feel so inadequate
the greater part of me wonders how i'll survive the next few weeks, the smaller part knows that He will remain faithful. i still wonder though. when i see these people i almost don't want to know i'm going to be fine, because i know they aren't going to be. sounds terrible, i know, but its the way i feel.

my apologies for the randomness of this post (i am certain Bethany will have a great time finding all of my grammatical errors) i am still exhausted and completely overwhelmed.

i think of you all often
and have even see some of your twins :)

ciao

pinch me

this is weird
sitting in DIA waiting to board
its strange to expect something for so long, feel like you are never going to get it nad then have it come in the most unusual unexpected way.
i guess that is what i love most about our Father. He is a mystery and i'm about to peel back a small part of the veil. its uncomfortable and frightening but i trust His goodness.

He is not safe but He is good

for thoseof you not already in the know, I LEAVE TUESDAY!

my apologies for the all-caps. i needed you to get a good sense of my excitement.

i am far to easily overwhelmed these days. it is so much harder to breathe, to be still, to find peace and silence. i've been thrust into a chaos that refuses to allow room for rest. i don't have any idea what this nextstep will look-feel-taste-smell-sound like. i feel very much alone and inadequete. the aloneness of experiencing this without any sort or familarity, no friends, no family. (minus the week i spend with Katie) i suppose i mostly feel misunderstood. it may not be the worst feeling but without reason it has heightened the feeling of inadequacy. i don't like it one bit.

so here's hoping i will sleep and breathe a bit easier knowing that my God is good and He is faithful.

seven days and counting...

oh my! the real countdown has begun. yipee!
i leave next Tuesday. well given that the site i just bought my ticket from isn't a scam. haha. i'm not worried though. its all in His hands, and i absolutely adore His big beautiful hands and the things they do.
nervousness is setting in. slowly. surely.

so much on my heart right now. i promise i'll share just not now.
i'm too busy happy dancing.

wishing

i wish i could say i finally did the one thing that terrifies most. i think then i might be invincible. but i haven't so i feel likethe smallest thing might crush me. c'est la vie

all the stills

still trusting
still waiting
still hoping
still here

here being Denver. hmmm...but its good. i just feel foolish for it. i feel like i've missed something. i'd just like him to say something. something other than no.

do not forsake the work of Your hands

the heaviness of the fall back down to earth

there is a moment, i'm sure you've experienced it, between dreaming and waking, when the mind is made aware of the body's heaviness. it is usually felt when one's dream becomes dangerous, nightmarish, and the urgency to move fast is met with an inabilty to do so. thats when you wake kicking and realize you need not run after all.


i feel somewhere between the dream and waking.
i don't like it & i'd like to wake up now

i'm still here
still waiting
still making a pitiful attempt at trust

he keeps showing me that he's faithful. i keep freaking out and wondering if he will come through completely. you'd think i'd know by now. you'd think i'd have this one figured out. no.

frenzied fall

it was a small leaf
pushed by a strong gust of wind
in a frenzied fall to the soft ground below
that reminded me.

I remember that soft red dirt beneath my feet. i remember the wind, blowing my hair in a hurried rush about my face. i remember that leaf, torn with wormholes. he asked me to strip it. to take away any evidence of its leaf-ness. i remember carrying around that dry little stick and wanting never to forget what he'd said to me. about me. for me. i'm in the chaos now, the hurried frenzy of falling off the tree and unsure of where i'll land, unsure of when i'll land. but all i needed was that leaf falling at just past eleven, two hours later than it should have been, reminding me that he is still watching me. that he has called me, that he is faithful.

sixteen percent

that's a three percent increase
this could take another six months
i'm not sure i can be okay with that

on another note, my naga visa should be in process soon
that in and of itself makes me incredible happy

anyone up for a trip to Black Hawk?

seven days *gasp*
maybe *sigh*

happy dancing!

i got my visa!
10 days.
sanity left me
and still i'm waiting
trusting
or at least trying

thirteen percent

thats where i am, thirteen percent on my way.
its a good feeling when you compare that to the zero percent i was at just a few short days ago. good feeling. but i'm ready to feel great. ready for the chaotic excitement that should be my life at this moment. i'm ready for that feeling of upcoming adventure, the feeling that keeps you up all night with fantastical images of how time will be spent on said adventure.

i'm waiting

somewhere between 11 and 16 days

changing

everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself - Leo Tolstoy

the leaves are turning, changing
reminding me that fall is here
i don't feel ready
or sane for that matter

i'd like to be the no one
i'd like my heart to change
my mind too
mostly i want to trust
becasue he's proven over and again that he is faithful

10/02/2009 9:36am PST Outsourcing office has verified the visa is processed correctly. Ready for pickup between 4:30pm and 6:00pm. If mail back, waiting for FedEx pick up and is likely to be mailed out tomorrow.

my heart is happy

shuffle shuffle shuffle

each sweet taste of peace is followed by tart worry.
i'm trying (really) to trust, to breathe
trying to shuffle my feet fast across the air so as not to fall mid jump

they got my visa app and documents, processed the payment.
now i wait.
again.

2-3 weeks

Oh my! the last seven months flew past me like a fighter jet set for enemy territory. hmmm...i'm not sure about that analogy either. I'm feeling increasingly insane as October 15th gets closer. I'm forcing deep breaths to avoid hyperventilation. i'm trying to convince myself that alot can happen in 17-22 days. like meeting an elderly couple with tons of money and no one to give it to who happen to buy into my dream.
i've also thought about standing on a street corner with a cardboard sign that reads "will sing for money." on the flip side "will stop for more."

but i know, i know He is faithful and that His timing is perfect. so i won't force it. and i'll try to stop freaking out. but i am counting the days.

India or Bust.